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     I recently read a "warning" on the back of a bottle. It contained some very valuable information that I've decided to make fun of. The bottle warns of it's treacherous contents (shampoo): "CAUTION: KEEP OUT OF EYES."
Now I know what you're thinking: "What if I decide to put shampoo in my eyes, but instantly regret the decision (on account of my eyes burning like comets)?" Don't worry. Immediately after the "caution", the bottle provides the following remedy: "IF CONTACT OCCURS, RINSE WITH WATER." Wow! What an idea! The concept of using water to rinse shampoo from my stinging eyes never would've occured to me! If not for these words of insight, my strategy probably would have been to douse my eyes with Tabasco Sauce and set my hair on fire.

Unfortunately, the shampoo bottle's warning has a few problems: 1) Most people don't read the instructions on the back of shampoo. 2) The warning is printed slightly larger than a strand of chipmunk DNA. 3) The type of people who purposefully insert shampoo into their eyes probably won't adhere to advice from a shampoo bottle. 4) People with shampoo in their eyes vaguely look like zombies. 5) Zombies, generally, are illiterate.

When your eyes are filled with burning shampoo, you may forget some things of moderate importance (such as the English language). Just in case this happens, the concerned little bottle of shampoo contains warnings for you in 3 other languages: 1) Spanish, 2) something like Pig Latin, and 3) incoherent jibberish. The text on the bottle goes on to say, and I quote: "ADVERTENCIA: EVITA EL CONTACTO CON LOS OJOS. En caso de contacto, lavalos con agua." (I think that means "NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO BEGIN LEARNING SPANISH; first get the shampoo out of your eyes.")

I know what you're thinking: "Whew! NOW I know that it's generally best to avoid lathering shampoo on my face with my eyes open…but what about swallowing mouthfuls of toothpaste? Can I do that??" The answer is, according to the tube I'm holding, not healthily.  The warning on side B of the toothpaste-tube clearly states: "If more than used for brushing is accidentally swallowed, get medical help or contact a Poison Control Center right away."  The question at hand is: why would anyone have more toothpaste in his mouth than is required for brushing? Even if his mouth were bursting at the metaphorical seams with toothpaste, why would he ever want to swallow it? The only logical answer is that the "victim" couldn't see due to excessive shampoo in his eyes and thought that he was swallowing medicine-flavored-mashed-potatoes.

Next we'll discuss the hazards associated with bathroom-cleaning products. Apparently, we are in danger that these lemon-scented concoctions may fall into the wrong hands. My bathroom-cleaning spray-bottle warns (no joke): "KEEP OUT OF REACH OF CHILDREN AND PETS".  I wonder how many "tame" animals have attempted homicide by spraying bleach down their owner's throats. Not my dog! He used bug-spray.

According to the fine print on my bug-spray can, you should not swallow it's contents, NOR should you spray it directly into anyone's eye (unless he/she is a bug). I think that they should also warn: "Spraying an actual insect with this product may cause the bug to have some temporary side-effects (including: mild antenna-aches and severe diarrhea.)" However, if someone (like your dog) sprays insect-poison into YOUR eyes (or down your throat), you should contact the [Human] Poison Control Center immediately.

WARNING: The Poison Control Center may put you on hold in order to help someone else get shampoo out of their eyes.

___________________________________________

View my other "journals": claycox.deviantart.com/journal…
  • Mood: Mad
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:iconshellbug:
Shellbug Featured By Owner Oct 4, 2007
That made me laught untill I hurt. There is only one thing you forgot in you journal. The warning sign on the blowdryer.
DO NOT USE WHEN IN THE SHOWER OR BATH.
You got to love stupid people you know someone somewhere has tryed it or it wouldn't be on the warning sign.
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:iconclaycox:
claycox Featured By Owner Oct 9, 2007
Thanks! Glad you liked it!
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:icontar-vanimelde:
Tar-Vanimelde Featured By Owner Dec 3, 2006
LOL ahh, yay for amusing journals late at night
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:iconclaycox:
claycox Featured By Owner Dec 6, 2006
I'm glad you enjoyed it. :)
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:iconmellowknee:
Mellowknee Featured By Owner Jul 8, 2006   Photographer
i love ya mr.cox.
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:iconclaycox:
claycox Featured By Owner Jul 16, 2006
Thanks! Having a good summer?
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:iconmellowknee:
Mellowknee Featured By Owner Jul 17, 2006   Photographer
definatley.
kinda uneventful.
but i guess that's better than bad X]
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:iconmizbeipz:
mizbeipz Featured By Owner Jun 22, 2006   Artisan Crafter
Hahahahaa! Mr. Cox, this was the funniest thing I've read in forever! I guess I should start reading your journal more often. I loved this.


The referall you wrote me is hanging up on my refridgerator. My family is very proud.
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:iconclaycox:
claycox Featured By Owner Jun 22, 2006
Thanks! I'm glad you liked it. However, keep in mind that there is nothing funny about eating excessive toothpaste. FACT: There is also nothing funny about shooting spitballs into people eyes.

Do you have any other negative documentation on your fridge (such as warrents...or wanted posters)? :)
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:iconmizbeipz:
mizbeipz Featured By Owner Jun 22, 2006   Artisan Crafter
Three police reports, a wanted poster, and some other referalls that I think have something to do with other brands of snack crackers.
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:iconclaycox:
claycox Featured By Owner Jun 23, 2006
mercy...
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:iconstreetlightblues:
streetLIGHTblues Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2006
...greatness...my sides hurt now too...i think my favorite part is the medicine-flavored-mashed-potatoes...

this made my day mr cox =D :juggle:
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:iconclaycox:
claycox Featured By Owner Jun 22, 2006
I send my deepest sympathy regarding your hurting sides, but I'm glad it made your day. :)
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:iconcauthla:
cauthla Featured By Owner Jun 12, 2006
That was great. I'm glad I wasn't in a computer lab when I read it, because everyone would have looked at me funny for laughing so hard at a computer screen. And that would like, TOTALLY blow my rep as the coolest gal at Auburn.
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:iconclaycox:
claycox Featured By Owner Jun 13, 2006
Thanks! I'm glad you liked it.
I think it would take more than a mere laugh-out-loud to blow your coolest-gal-rep, though. ...I use a lot of hyphens-to-connect-words too...
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:iconjessikitty:
Jessikitty Featured By Owner Jun 11, 2006
:rofl: My sides and cheeks hurt from laughing so much. Sarcasm is such a wonderful thing, no? :lmao:
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:iconclaycox:
claycox Featured By Owner Jun 13, 2006
Thanks J.A.!

I'm glad you thought it was funny. Sorry for the sore sides and cheeks. Perhaps in the long-run, what you read in my journal will prevent you from burning-eyes. :)
Reply
:iconjessikitty:
Jessikitty Featured By Owner Jun 14, 2006
We can only hope so. At worst maybe it'll just manage to save me from swallowing large globs of toothpaste for no reason.
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June 10, 2006
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