claycox

     I recently read a "warning" on the back of a bottle. It contained some very valuable information that I've decided to make fun of. The bottle warns of it's treacherous contents (shampoo): "CAUTION: KEEP OUT OF EYES."
Now I know what you're thinking: "What if I decide to put shampoo in my eyes, but instantly regret the decision (on account of my eyes burning like comets)?" Don't worry. Immediately after the "caution", the bottle provides the following remedy: "IF CONTACT OCCURS, RINSE WITH WATER." Wow! What an idea! The concept of using water to rinse shampoo from my stinging eyes never would've occured to me! If not for these words of insight, my strategy probably would have been to douse my eyes with Tabasco Sauce and set my hair on fire.

Unfortunately, the shampoo bottle's warning has a few problems: 1) Most people don't read the instructions on the back of shampoo. 2) The warning is printed slightly larger than a strand of chipmunk DNA. 3) The type of people who purposefully insert shampoo into their eyes probably won't adhere to advice from a shampoo bottle. 4) People with shampoo in their eyes vaguely look like zombies. 5) Zombies, generally, are illiterate.

When your eyes are filled with burning shampoo, you may forget some things of moderate importance (such as the English language). Just in case this happens, the concerned little bottle of shampoo contains warnings for you in 3 other languages: 1) Spanish, 2) something like Pig Latin, and 3) incoherent jibberish. The text on the bottle goes on to say, and I quote: "ADVERTENCIA: EVITA EL CONTACTO CON LOS OJOS. En caso de contacto, lavalos con agua." (I think that means "NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO BEGIN LEARNING SPANISH; first get the shampoo out of your eyes.")

I know what you're thinking: "Whew! NOW I know that it's generally best to avoid lathering shampoo on my face with my eyes open…but what about swallowing mouthfuls of toothpaste? Can I do that??" The answer is, according to the tube I'm holding, not healthily.  The warning on side B of the toothpaste-tube clearly states: "If more than used for brushing is accidentally swallowed, get medical help or contact a Poison Control Center right away."  The question at hand is: why would anyone have more toothpaste in his mouth than is required for brushing? Even if his mouth were bursting at the metaphorical seams with toothpaste, why would he ever want to swallow it? The only logical answer is that the "victim" couldn't see due to excessive shampoo in his eyes and thought that he was swallowing medicine-flavored-mashed-potatoes.

Next we'll discuss the hazards associated with bathroom-cleaning products. Apparently, we are in danger that these lemon-scented concoctions may fall into the wrong hands. My bathroom-cleaning spray-bottle warns (no joke): "KEEP OUT OF REACH OF CHILDREN AND PETS".  I wonder how many "tame" animals have attempted homicide by spraying bleach down their owner's throats. Not my dog! He used bug-spray.

According to the fine print on my bug-spray can, you should not swallow it's contents, NOR should you spray it directly into anyone's eye (unless he/she is a bug). I think that they should also warn: "Spraying an actual insect with this product may cause the bug to have some temporary side-effects (including: mild antenna-aches and severe diarrhea.)" However, if someone (like your dog) sprays insect-poison into YOUR eyes (or down your throat), you should contact the [Human] Poison Control Center immediately.

WARNING: The Poison Control Center may put you on hold in order to help someone else get shampoo out of their eyes.

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View my other "journals": claycox.deviantart.com/journal…

If you are looking for an essay that will somehow inspire your emotions or enlighten your intellect, please read no further. Go find an encylopedia or something.
However, if you enjoy reading literature more along the lines of "Potty Training for Dummies," this is the article for you.

Warning: After reading this column, there is a strong possibility that you will actually be dumber than you are right now (and possibly even less physically attractive). If you are not afraid of your IQ dropping to that of an advanced squirrel, proceed with caution.

Below is a simple collection of random thoughts and theories. Enjoy!
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1. Shaving is a lot like cutting the grass…on your face.
.......It really is. Many of us shave about as often as we mow the lawn. When we do trim our whiskers (or our lawns) they just grow right back so that we have to do it all over again.
Warning: It's important that you don't take this logic too far. A friend of mine once decided that it would be much quicker to trim his beard with a weed-eater. I guess it was quicker; but his forehead, earlobes, and right nostril got pretty messed-up before the weed-eater finally got tangled in his mullet. He tried using shaving cream the next time, but that didn't help much.  
Confession: the story above is absolutely not true.
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2. In the Giraffe Work Force, chiropractors are probably on top of the pecking order.
.......Who else would be? Giraffe athletes?? Yeah, right! See, giraffes aren't as athletic as most of their jungle friends. Giraffes are only consistently good at one sport called: 'Have-a-long-neck'. It goes like this:
SET UP: A giraffe is standing next to his animal buddies.
Giraffe: "Hey, let's play another game of Have-a-long-neck. Ready…set…GO!"
Hippo: "Aw, man! You won again…I never win!"
Giraffe: "You don't really have a neck."
Hippo: "(angry noises)"
(Eventually, the injured giraffe wobbles over to the nearest chiropractor.)
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3. Lex Luthor is really Elmer Fudd's alter-ego.
.......Think about it. We all know that 'Batman' is really Bruce Wayne in disguise. Superman is just Clark Kent wearing contacts and a cape…
Well, I have reason to believe that Lex Luthor is actually Elmer Fudd (minus the hunting attire).
Logic: Both of them are bald and mean to rabbits; they both laugh funny; they both owe me money...do I have to keep going?
I suspect that Dr. Evil is their ALTER-alter-ego.
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4. Lots of things are labeled improperly:
.......Consider with me the following inaccurate, confusing terms:
(A) Cowboy: I realize that people of this profession do, in fact, herd cattle. However, the label 'cowboy' is an oxymoron. Remember what you learned in Vocational Agriculture? Technically, cows are female bovines. Thus, there are no boy cows (a male bovine is called a 'bull'). We as a society need to use a more precise label for these individuals. I suggest: "People-who-listen-to-country-music-and-wear-funny-hats-the-size-of-Winn-Dixie".

(B) Sunglasses: Are they glasses for the sun? Of course not…we all know that the sun wears contact lenses. I recommend changing the term to: "Glasses-with-tinted-lenses-that-protect-your-eyes-from-the-sun's-bright-rays." Wouldn't that be easier and less confusing?
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5. Q: Why did the cow jump over the moon?
.......A: I'll answer that with another question: Should we be concerned that cows can jump that high?
I think dairy farmers and extraterrestrials should be.

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View past journals: claycox.deviantart.com/journal

Mmmm…Ensure.
Perhaps you've heard of it. You may have even seen the thick, healthy, chocolate(ish) drink on the dusty back-shelf in the medicine aisle at Wal-Mart. The problem is that you (and your friends) have preconceived notions regarding Ensure. This is despite the fact that you (and your friends) have never actually tasted the stuff. You probably assume that you know all about the "creamy shake" designed specifically for the "elderly", right? Well, maybe not.

Be honest; If you were hired to find a poster-boy that encompassed 'all-things-Ensure', the following images would immediately come to mind: wooden cane, funny hat, high pants (plaid, of course), tall socks (mismatched, of course), teeth (optional), etc… My point is that you just assume Ensure to be the nectar of old "fogeys". Coincidentally, what in the world is a fogey anyway? Can there be a juveline fogey? Or a middle-aged fogey? What about fogey-babies? Do they exist? But I digress; before this fogey-issue reared it's ugly head, I was trying to communicate the point that you can't judge a drink by its sipper.

I know Ensure. I have been an Ensure-drinker for almost 6 of my twenty-something years.  I currently drink (this is true) between 3 and 6 cans of Ensure per day. Why, you ask? Essentially, I am on an anti-diet. I try to gain muscle-weight. I drink lots of Ensure to get larger, and then exercise to get stronger. Consequently, I stay in decent shape while maintaining a demeanor that is much less irritable than the jocks who use steroids. I also have less acne.

Anyway, as a young experienced Ensure-drinker, I felt compelled to address some of our society's common preconceptions regarding Ensure. See below.

PRECONCEPTION #1:
Ensure tastes horrible.
FACT:
Ensure tastes...tolerable.

PRECONCEPTION #2:
There is only one flavor of Ensure.
FACT:
In addition to the original, Ensure comes in a variety of flavors (Strawberry, Vanilla, Ensure Plus, High Protein, Walnut, Deisel, Unleaded, etc…).

PRECONCEPTION #3:
The original Ensure flavor tastes like toxic sludge.
FACT:
The original Ensure flavor tastes like toxic sludge.

PRECONCEPTION #4:
Ensure is only for old people.
FACT:
Ensure is MOSTLY for old people.
(I drink it. That young attractive lady in the TV commercial at least pretends to drink it. That makes a grand total of TWO young-adult Ensure-drinkers).
ANOTHER FACT: One out of every two young-adult Ensure-drinkers are attractive.

PRECONCEPTION #5:
Ensure tastes like medicine.
FACT:
Ensure tastes like some type of liquified, simulated-chocolate concoction mixed with medicine.

PRECONCEPTION #6:
If I drink Ensure, everyone will make fun of me.
FACT:
Only people below the age of 75 will make fun of you.

PRECONCEPTION #7:
Drinking Ensure may indirectly lower my self-esteem.
FACT:
Drinking Ensure may lower your self-esteem, dates-per-month, and (in severe cases) your IQ.

PRECONCEPTION #8:
Ensure will actually speed up the aging process.
FACT:
This is only true in terms of your social life.

PRECONCEPTION #9:
Given the right circumstances, Batman could beat up Superman in a fight.
FACT:
Only if he somehow tricked Superman into chugging 3-6 cans of kryptonite-flavored Ensure.

PRECONCEPTION #10:
Ensure may have a strong aftertaste.
FACT:
I am about to wash that taste down with chocolate-covered prunes and milk. Where are my teeth?

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View past journals: claycox.deviantart.com/journal…

Let's talk about baldness, shall we?

As a twenty-something-year-old male, I feel the need to plan ahead for future hair-loss. You just can't be over-prepared for that sort of thing.

First, let's consider the issue of "prevention". This pertains to the pre-baldness phase of life. In essence, the question at hand is: How can we prevent hair-loss from ever taking place? One idea is to thoroughly wash your hands after coming into contact with a hairless man...just in case baldness is contagious. Drinking after a bald man is out of the question.

Next, we should discuss the issue of damage control, or "coverage". Once a man has lost his hair, how can he hide that from the world for as long as possible? Beyond that, once his baldness is unquestionable, what is a man to do?
--Just like the rest of us, bald people (or the "hairy impaired") have options regarding their appearance. Most options involve hiding what we'll call the "exposed area" on the top of their shiny melons. However, throughout the course of history, mankind has found creative methods to actually divert attention away from their baldness (err...hairy-impairedness) altogether.

Consider a few options with me:

1. The Hat:
Men of all ages (with the exception of middle-aged men) have a plethora of hats to choose from: baseball caps, toboggans, beanies, etc...
PROS: The exposed area is completely concealed.
Some hats can be stylish and/or expressive.
CONS: Our culture frowns upon wearing hats indoors.

2. The Spike:
Some men spike the few, but faithful, remnant of their hair by using hairspray, cream, gel, or mousse.
PROS: Extremely spikey hair may temporarily distract, confuse, and/or hypnotize spectators to the point that they almost forget about the hair-loss victim's scalp. (In isolated extreme cases, some onlookers have viewed such spikey hair that they momentarily forgot their own names, birthdays, and children).
CONS: While looking down, you could put someone's eye out.

3. The Dye:
The art of hair-dying has come a long way over the past decade.
PROS: If a victim of hair-loss were to dye his hair an extreme color (glow-in-the-dark-green for example), it may momentarily divert the viewer's attention from the exposed skin on his head.
CONS: You may be mistaken for an extraterrestrial mutant.

4. The Comb-over:
Don't do it. Just don't.

5. The Shave:
This is my personal favorite of the options and the one that I plan to employ in the future if need be. It simply entails shaving the back and sides of one's head so that the entire cranium is practically aerodynamic. Atheletes such as Michael Jordan and Andre Agassi have popularized this method.
PROS: Embracing one's baldness may benefit his self-esteem.
CONS: Those with comb-overs often mistakenly think themselves to be superior to you, in that their head is theoretically covered.

6: The Mullet:
Why??

7: The Toupee:
Some men opt to put large rodents on their heads in a feeble attempt to disguise their baldness.
PROS: Toupees can make excellent pets.
CONS: If two toupees are within a close proximity, they may battle in order to establish which will be the alpha-touppe.

I hope these tips have been helpful.

On a personal note: I recently went to a barber-shop and was informed by the beautician that my own hairline is receding. For what its worth, I recommend that you not over-analyze hair-loss as I have done. I've lost time (and hair) that I can never get back in the process.

Ninjas and Pirates. Pirates and Ninjas.

Which group is cooler? The world may never know, right?
I mean, there is no way to objectively measure the "coolness" of these contrasting legendary assemblies, right? WRONG!

After much thought and preparation (the better part of 20 minutes), I have scientifically and methodically scrutinized and analyzed these groups and rated them on a verifiable, credible scale. I call this the "Scientific Scale of Coolness".

Thanks to me and my scientifically researched chart, humankind will finally have the answer to the plaguing question: WHO IS COOLER: NINJAS OR PIRATES? The results of my findings may be viewed below:


SCIENTIFIC FACTS: __________________  Pirates:_____Ninjas:

Saying "AAARG!"  ........................................ 1 .............. X

Being all, like, mysterious and secretive: ....... X .............. 1

Carrying Swords:  ....................................... 1 ............... 1

Funny Facial Hair:  ....................................... 1 .............. X

Owes Me $20:  ........................................... -1 ............. -1 ....... (PAY UP!!)

Wearing Eyepatches: ..................................  1 .............. X

Kicking people: ........................................... X .............. 1

Grown Men Wearing Capris: ........................ -1 .............. X

............................................................... _____ ....... _____

Total: ......................................................... 2 ............... 2
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CONCLUSION:

Oh snap! Both ninjas and pirates are exactly twice as cool as the common layperson. In order to scientifically break the tie, I will give you my scientific opinion regarding which group is the coolest...scientifically. THE WINNER IS: ...(I'm making that drum roll noise with my mouth...and you should too)...The winner is: Sasquatches. Yes, sasquatches. (They are mysterious AND have funny facial hair).

Also, no sasquatches currently owe me any money.