I recently read a “warning” on the back of a bottle. It contained some very valuable information that I’ve decided to make fun of. The bottle warns of it’s treacherous contents (shampoo): “CAUTION: KEEP OUT OF EYES.”
Now I know what you’re thinking: “What if I decide to put shampoo in my eyes, but instantly regret the decision (on account of my eyes burning like comets)?” Don’t worry. Immediately after the “caution”, the bottle provides the following remedy: “IF CONTACT OCCURS, RINSE WITH WATER.” Wow! What an idea! The concept of using water to rinse shampoo from my stinging eyes never would've occured to me! If not for these words of insight, my strategy probably would have been to douse my eyes with Tabasco Sauce and set my hair on fire.

Unfortunately, the shampoo bottle's warning has a few problems: 1) Most people don't read the instructions on the back of shampoo. 2) The warning is printed slightly larger than a strand of chipmunk DNA. 3) The type of people who purposefully insert shampoo into their eyes probably won’t adhere to advice from a shampoo bottle. 4) People with shampoo in their eyes vaguely look like zombies. 5) Zombies, generally, are illiterate.

When your eyes are filled with burning shampoo, you may forget some things of moderate importance (such as the English language). Just in case this happens, the concerned little bottle of shampoo contains warnings for you in 3 other languages: 1) Spanish, 2) something like Pig Latin, and 3) incoherent jibberish. The text on the bottle goes on to say, and I quote: “ADVERTENCIA: EVITA EL CONTACTO CON LOS OJOS. En caso de contacto, lavalos con agua.” (I think that means “NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO BEGIN LEARNING SPANISH; first get the shampoo out of your eyes.”)

I know what you’re thinking: “Whew! NOW I know that it’s generally best to avoid lathering shampoo on my face with my eyes open…but what about swallowing mouthfuls of toothpaste? Can I do that??” The answer is, according to the tube I’m holding, not healthily. The warning on side B of the toothpaste-tube clearly states: “If more than used for brushing is accidentally swallowed, get medical help or contact a Poison Control Center right away.” The question at hand is: why would anyone have more toothpaste in his mouth than is required for brushing? Even if his mouth were bursting at the metaphorical seams with toothpaste, why would he ever want to swallow it? The only logical answer is that the “victim” couldn’t see due to excessive shampoo in his eyes and thought that he was swallowing medicine-flavored-mashed-potatoes.

Next we’ll discuss the hazards associated with bathroom-cleaning products. Apparently, we are in danger that these lemon-scented concoctions may fall into the wrong hands. My bathroom-cleaning spray-bottle warns (no joke): “KEEP OUT OF REACH OF CHILDREN AND PETS”. I wonder how many "tame" animals have attempted homicide by spraying bleach down their owner’s throats. Not my dog! He used bug-spray.

According to the fine print on my bug-spray can, you should not swallow it's contents, NOR should you spray it directly into anyone's eye (unless he/she is a bug). I think that they should also warn: “Spraying an actual insect with this product may cause the bug to have some temporary side-effects (including: mild antenna-aches and severe diarrhea.)” However, if someone (like your dog) sprays insect-poison into YOUR eyes (or down your throat), you should contact the [Human] Poison Control Center immediately.

WARNING: The Poison Control Center may put you on hold in order to help someone else get shampoo out of their eyes.

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